Damned Rodan's Manhattan Project Clam Chowder

It's recipe time! Yes! I love me some clam chowder, I do, and I much prefer the Manhattan style (red) to New England style (white) — though make no mistake, I will dive into either. My recipe, of course, is for the bloody red, and it's guaranteed to blow your eyeballs out of your head — which, if you frequent this place at all, you already know is my favorite kind of thing. The recipe below makes about six servings (do note that you can vary seasonings to your taste). So, take notes and abandon all hope ye who consume.

What you need:
2 cans (6.5 oz.) minced clams (or whole clams, if you prefer)
2 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce
1 tbsp. (approx.) Old Bay seasoning
1 tsp. (approx.) lemon pepper
rubbed sage (dash)
4 celery stalks, diced
3 large carrots, sliced into coins
1 large onion, chopped
1 red hot chili pepper
1 can (10 oz.) HOT Ro-tel diced tomatoes with habaneros
1 can (1/2 cup) condensed tomato soup
2 cups Clamato juice
habanero sauce (several dashes)

What you do:

1. Into a large soup pot, pour clams (with juice) and Worcestershire sauce; heat on stove top at medium-high until the pot begins to boil. Reduce heat to medium-low.
2. Add Old Bay, lemon pepper, and sage; let simmer for about 15 minutes.
3. Stir in celery, carrots, onion, chili pepper, tomato soup, and Clamato juice.
4. Add splashes of habanero sauce as desired.
5. Let simmer on very low heat for at least two hours; this allows for a good blending of flavors while retaining just a touch of crispiness about the vegetables.
6. Serve to unwitting victims, sit back, and laugh like the Controller of Planet X from Monster Zero.
7. Enjoy some of this unholy concoction yourself.

And that's the works.

While, to some, red wine with any recipe involving sea creatures may be considered gauche, the chowder is red and spicy, so red wine is perfectly apt. To me, white wine is anathema to all that is holy anyway, so don't do it. (Perhaps someday I shall relate the experience from my dim, dark past that permanently put me off of white wine.) At any given time, I quite enjoy a bold, full-bodied dry red — a Zinfandel or Primitivo, maybe a Petite Syrah or Shiraz, a Malbec, or — as I did this evening — a rich California blend, which I found perfectly complementary to the chowder. Tonight's selection, Gnarly Head Authentic Black, is a limited release; very inexpensive, most satisfying.

Note: As with any Damned Rodan recipe, Spontaneous Human Combustion may result from even careful and conscientious handling of ingredients. Do not smoke cigarettes or imbibe this product near any open flame, inflammable materials, children, most animals (including hedgehogs, pygmy goats, and llamas), and overly sensitive individuals.