Wildfire

Only the Old Fart knows...

It’s an old writer’s cliché, but it’s true: I could never write fictional characters horrific enough to compete with my real-life neighbors and yours. I’m not referring to the occasional, hopelessly warped sociopath, but the simple maroon who lives next door. Okay, I am speaking figuratively; our literal next-door-neighbors may be altogether fine. The point being that if I were to concoct characters so selfish, so paranoid, so dim, so ugly, as the many real-life personalities I nowadays try like hell not to interact with, most of my readers would consider them too over-the-top to be real. Or perhaps I should say that, for my most of my writing career of over thirty years, I think most people would have called bullshit and thumped me on the head. Not so much these days. For the last three and a half years, the Ugly have been coming out of the woodwork in greater and greater numbers, but once our friendly neighborhood pandemic set in, the perpetually plunging bar for intelligence and/or decency actually flabbergasted me. And here I had always considered myself unflabbergastable. Ever since I came of the age sufficient to interact with other homo sapiens, I’ve been as cynical as I thought cynical came regarding human nature. Well, more fool me.

At least reading the human barometer has become relatively simple: is the specimen in question taking responsible measures to protect him or herself and others, i.e. wearing a mask, maintaining reasonable social distance, washing hands, etc. etc.? Even at my cynical best, I have given most folks some benefit of the doubt, but that’s about gone out the window. My limit has been reached and exceeded.

Yes, I know some of you believe the whole pandemic thing is, if not an outright hoax, then sheer hysteria fueled by the fear-mongering media. Well, I’ll grant you that one thing: the media does indeed thrive on fear and conflict; however, if you believe that’s solely the purview of the ubiquitous liberal media, well, you might want to take note of that big old plank protruding from your eyeball. It’s always prudent to consume the media's output with a high degree of skepticism. But bias and sensationalism, while undesirable, are not in themselves sufficient to invalidate legitimate journalism. Sure, fake news abounds, but screeching “fake news!” about everything that conflicts with a rigid, myopic world view is not the hallmark of an even marginally intelligent human specimen, much less a genuine critical thinker. Too many individuals somehow confuse universal nay-saying of media reporting with actual analytical skills. What I find mystifying, at least a little, is the willingness of almost unfathomable numbers of right-wing herd-thinkers to disbelieve scientifically vetted, and—I am going to use the dreaded word—“expert” conclusions based on the best available evidence, in favor of the spew from sources like FOX News, Breitbart, The Washington Times, and other such outlets that, at one time, would have been held in the same regard as the fucking National Enquirer. Yeah, while there are tons of reeking bullshit coming from every side, every angle, I am gonna pick on the right here because the conspiracy theories, the shameful façade of patriotism, the outright dangerous BS all too many conservatives are spewing is fucking criminal. It is solely the purview of the right to espouse disregarding safeguards regardless of the sound reasoning behind taking them.

Do you actually believe the worldwide COVID-19 outbreak is some Democrat-propagated hoax or movement devised by socialist wackos, or some such nonsense, meant to crash our economy, to discredit the Oaf of Office, to assume control of you as an individual? That a mandate to wear a mask somehow violates your inalienable rights as a FREE American? Are you gonna actually ask me how much freedom I am willing to give up for security? Are you serious? Do you wear a seatbelt? Why? Do you avoid driving drunk? Why? Do you refrain from shooting people who annoy you? Why? Do you follow any statute to avoid harming other people? Why? No one is asking you to lay down your life, to storm the beaches of Normandy under withering Nazi gunfire, to offer up anything but a little concern for your neighbor. Even if you truly feel this whole business is not all it is cracked up to be, would it not be reasonable to make even the smallest sacrifice to avoid harming someone who may be more vulnerable than you are? Does your “freedom” to be a selfish, conceited, arrogant, ignorant fuckwit supersede someone else’s right to exist with at least somewhat minimized risk? A good way to identify yourself as one of the walking brain dead is to post one of the ubiquitous memes to the effect that “You are being conditioned to believe that embracing your freedom is being selfish.” Please. PLEASE. If you consider making some small sacrifice for the greater good so much a threat to your autonomy, I shudder to think about the toxic miasma roiling around in your brain. Jesus god. Putting yourself so much above others to their peril is the very definition of selfishness.

I do believe I have heard every conceivable contortion of reasoning to justify being a petty little shit. “The whole thing is fake.” (Tell that to a few hundred thousand dead. If Muslims killed 130,000+ Americans in four months, we would have wiped out half the world.) “Masks are not effective; how does the virus know whether it is coming out or going in?” (Read up on a little science, dumb fuck. Look up the pee analogy. Look up the frosty wintertime exhalation analogy. Look up something other than COVIDIOT propaganda. Of course, the mask isn’t protecting you so much as your neighbor, and yes, it is imperfect, but Jesus Christ, it helps. If you value others, do you really need more than that?) “The death rate is too low to justify putting myself out. Wearing a mask serves no purpose but to make you feel good. People are gonna die from the flu. They are gonna die from heart disease. They are gonna die in car accidents. They are gonna die from drunk drivers.” (Of course they will. We are all going to die. Yet most of us possessing any sense of personal responsibility do not facilitate any of these things. Driving drunk is a choice. So is not wearing a mask. If someone dies because of your willful bad choice, guess what. You are culpable.) “People taking precautions against the spread of a puny little virus are living in fear. Bunch of sheep!” (My god, this one is stupid. S.T.U.P.I.D. No, it is not fear—although a wee spot of fear can be a healthy thing. Embracing a little bit of fear is how human beings tend to survive beyond childhood. But no, there is a huge difference between living in fear and showing a healthy respect for a threatening microorganism. Did you know that in wars throughout history, far more people died from microorganisms than actually being blowed up real good? Only medical science in the past century turned that around. Of course, most wingnuts are all about protecting themselves from being blowed up real good but apparently care naught for teeny bugs.)

I’ve heard deflection about the supposed hypocrisy of showing care for living, breathing people but approving of abortion. I’ve heard deflection about how the experts don’t have a clue what they are talking about because they keep saying different things. Well, do you have any idea how science works? Do you realize that, being an unprecedented thing in our lifetimes, COVID-19 has turned us all into subjects of a big old science experiment? In science, we usually do not have magic, pat answers right off the bat. Discovering the right answers usually involves weeding out a lot of wrong ones first. Intelligent people make the best decisions based on the information at hand, and when that information is invalidated or improved upon, one adjusts accordingly. I’ve heard deflection that masks are all about making it easy for lawbreakers to hide their identities. Sigh. There is always “GOD IS GONNA TAKE CARE OF ME.” (Look up Jerry Clower.) And the clincher: “I don’t like what you’re saying, and I AM NOT GOING TO BUY ANY MORE OF YOUR BOOKS.”

Oh, heavens, not that! The pain, the agony, the grief!

Now, if you do not care for my perspective, well, that is your prerogative. But to the best of my ability, I have done due diligence. My doctor tells me to wear a mask. In real life and in the virtual world, I have numerous friends and acquaintances who work in the medical field, and they tell me to wear a mask. My daughter is a researcher at Columbia University Medical Center in NYC, for God’s sake, and she tells me to wear a mask. Virtually all reputable medical professionals—in sources that are anything but biased—will tell you to wear a mask. Look, most of you do not have physical conditions that preclude you from performing this simple act of care and respect, and if you truly do, I understand. I am not railing about you. Most of you only need to wear a mask for a short spell, while you are interacting with people in public. You probably will not be in the thing long enough for that dreaded (non-existent) carbon dioxide poisoning to claim you.

Look, we all want to get beyond this mess. Really, we do. I am so fucking pissed because we have been locked down, we have been isolated, we have suffered massive economic loss. And for what? To have to start all over again because so many of you cannot abide being asked... being told... that you need to modify your behavior, if only a little bit? I cannot abide this. Compared to most of the rest of the world, we have shown ourselves as anything but models of decency, good character, and faith. We have shown ourselves to be, in large part, fucking morons.

Do you think you could maybe be a bigger person? At least when you are interacting with others? It could hardly require any more effort than I am giving, me being a somewhat misanthropic agnostic who has long thought that a good extinction event might be just what this planet needs. But I am going to make that effort. So maybe my breathing won't take your mother's life.